Mate Feed Kill Repeat
by PureSaberHeart
Summary: Sometimes, the most fucked up things can become the most comprehensible.
1. Daddy

Disclaimer:

I do not own Ice Age or the characters Diego and Shira

A/N:

**And so it begins. My one and only goal for this story is to make it as dark and fucked up as possible without getting arrested, locked up, sent away, or any of those kind of philosophies. What I hope to make of this story is for it to really pull out the rest of the shit from my mind. The darker stuff. Shira's Cryin' did a good job with a lot of that, but it didn't get all of it. It didn't get all of the emotions that I've experienced throughout my life. I'll probably hesitate and even regret writing some of what I'm planning to. This will not be as long as Shira's Cryin' or StarFire. It'll probably be about 8 or 9 chapters long. This being said, I also will probably be updating each chapter even less frequently than I did for Shira's Cryin'. Either way, It'll be interesting to say the least.**

**Also, since this is rated M, I may have a hard time having it live up to that rating. I'm new to this sort of thing. I'm trying to keep sexual themes to a minimum, but what's the fun of M rated without that?**

**Another thing, each chapter will have a title this time around. Each one will be titles of songs. Ones that get really... emotional.**

**Anyways , here we go...**

_**Chapter 1: Daddy**_

_Mother, please forgive me_

_I just had to get out all my pain and suffering_

_Now that I am done, remember that I will always love you_

_I'm your son_

"Daddy...?"

I'm not what you see me as. I'm not who you think I am. This isn't the world that you remember me being a part of. There wasn't a time during my past where I actually looked forward to the next day. I'm diluted. Please, for the love of fucking God, do something with all of this pain that I can no longer withstand. I've been going on for so long. Why? How? I want trust. I want protection. I want someone who has those traits. I want someone. I really, really need someone. I can't fucking go on. What makes everybody else so god damn special?

"D-Daddy?"

Stop judging me. Please stop judging me. I know I'm not perfect. I know that I have problems. I know because I admit them. I accept them. I accept them a shit ton better than the whole world does. Fuck the world. Fuck this world. I don't belong. I can't exist. No one can ever touch me. No one can ever touch me again. I don't want to do this anymore! Everything's shit! Everybody takes me for granted! I've gotta start over, cause I'm hearing it backwards. They don't make sense! I don't feel better. Who's better? It's not that simple. Everyone's gotta figure it out before they make things difficult. It's not a world, it's a problem and the problem is easy. I'm trying to draw a solution while everyone else got away from it. It's contorting, distorting, I am undone. One less propaganda nightmare. Are you getting the fucking picture?! Execute me! Separate me! I've lost my only way!

I want to stop looking at this world like it's a problem. I want to stop looking at this world. I want to stop looking. Stop... Everything. I want my past to be cleansed. I want my childhood back. I want those memories to go away. Simply trying to ignore them isn't going to be enough. The scars won't leave me. Both the mental... and physical ones. The haunting doesn't bless me. The feelings will never revive me. And they... certainly didn't fucking help me.

I looked so pathetic standing there. Alone. By myself. Not a fuck given for this world.

"Yes? Do you need something?" He asked with a a smile that was oblivious to the truth. It was almost as if it wasn't a question at all. His hardly glamorous care seemed to make the time go by that much more slowly. But this was expected from the young seven year old saber. He alone stood for nothing. After what happened.

The golden cub choked hesitatingly before quietly saying, "I...I, um... I need to... tell you something." Though he said those words, he felt like they didn't reach anywhere. It's been like that for his whole life. No one could hear him. No one could hear his pleads and cries for help.

And so, he just kept his head lowered, his mouth and limbs trembling over the past intercourse with his tail hung between his legs.

_'What did I say? What did they do to make me crawl back in? Despite everything that I've been through, I'm still right here. Where I left you.'_

His life was so systematic. Everyone's life was. No one stood out. No one was unique. They were all just children of a worthless god. They all fell for what they didn't believe in. All they do is convince others that they stand for something, when in reality, they don't, and he knew that he didn't either.

"Sure, You can tell me anything." His father's words were always self centered. Never casting a second thought about anything. Always a straight line that led to nowhere.

The cub was about to cry right then. Just the look of inconsideration in his father was already flooding his eyes.

"Would you like to tell your mother instead?" His father asked, for once, having something other than emptiness come out of his words.

The cub merely just shook his head, "No. I can't- I can't tell her."

"Why not?"

"I just can't." He said out of stubbornness. He knew that he'd get in more trouble than he already was if he said anything about what happened.

It was only a few days ago. It happened so fast. So unexpectedly. It wasn't in his control. He couldn't do anything about it. And now, it was too late to do anything about it.

"Just a little farther, Diego."

The atmosphere in the forest that night was dusky. Almost too depressing to even step foot outside for. Yet, the cubs and young sabers still remained outside and played. Normally, Diego wanted no part in what ever the hell the other sabers did. He liked doing things on his own. Having his own space. His own time. His own mind. What more could he ask for? However, on this particular day, the whole group of cubs asked if he wanted to play with them. He denied as best he could, not wanting to get involved. Eventually, he gave in. Little did he know what game they were playing. Hide and Seek. Nothing was more basic. Even he, a saber that hardly sees the grim of daylight knew what it was.

Nevertheless, he joined in. Normally, if he were ever in any of these games, everyone else would play unfair to him. Therefore, he expected everyone to vote for him as "it".

That didn't happen. After what happens, he'll wish that it did.

As soon as the cub that was it started counting down, Diego quickly took off.

Through the trees and over the hills, he ran as fast as he could until he was quickly out of breath. He was sure that he wouldn't be found. He just wished that he was right.

Minutes go by. He almost immediately felt another presence. He turned around and saw one of the other sabers who was playing. She was a bit older than Diego at the time. She had an almost timber wood colored pelt. He never did know her name. Hell, he didn't know any sabers name. All he knew was that she wasn't "it", and he was still in the game.

The saber only deviously smirked at Diego, making him feel uncomfortable. He first thought that she was "it". That the other sabers had once again cheated him out, even if it was just a game.

"It's a good thing they haven't found you yet." She spoke up suddenly, getting ever so closer to him.

The young saber started to back up, beginning to feel extremely uncomfortable with all of this.

"W-what are you doing?" He almost asked as if it were a question. For such a young saber, it wasn't obvious where this was going. He was so confused as to what she was doing. Furthermore, it was at that time when he wanted to stop playing.

_'Stop playing this fucking game.'_

Everything was happening too fast. Before he knew it, he was pinned down by the nameless saber.

"What are you doing?!" He said again, yelling this time. He saw himself in a defenseless state.

"Playing the game." She said, having it sound almost sarcastic.

The golden saber only coughed and choked as she was pressing her paws to his neck.

"Let me go! I want my mommy!" He began to cry aloud. It was there that he suddenly felt her lift his head up and force it to the ground.

"Your mommy's not here."

"What do you want? Why? Why me?" His crying continued.

Throughout the night, it just got worse. The skies began to rain as he was continuously abused.

_ **Little child. Looking so sweet. Come out and play. I'll be your Daddy.**_

The golden cub soon became not so golden. The rain that fell upon him was so great, that it created a stench that was almost unbearable to stand. The entire time, she kept his face forced into the ground. Grass and leaves were all that he could taste as one by one hits after hits were embedded into him. He could feel where each and every injury was placed into him. Whether it was a cut or a bite mark or a bruise, he was mentally breaking down over it.

He cried repeatably, having his tears flow even more so than ever. His throat was hurting from yelling all night while saliva drooled from his mouth. After almost ten minutes into his abusive state, she got off of him.

"What do you want from me?" He said, coughing in between almost every word. He was so beat up that he wasn't even able to stand up. He just lied there, shriveling in fear.

He lifts his head to see her pushing a rather big in mass boulder towards him.

"W-what are-

Before he could finish, she rolled the boulder right over his left foot, making him let out a blood curdling scream.

"Please, just stop!" His face was once again slammed into the ground. He then felt himself forced over onto his back. Already, there were injuries all over his stomach, making it bloodier than ever. It was at that point that he wasn't sure if she was planning on killing him or what.

No. What happened next made him wish that she'd kill him instead. She got down to his privates and kept his legs spread. Slowly, she had her mouth swallow what little saber-hood that he possessed. She kept on licking, occasionally sucking at the blood that ran down him.

Diego didn't know what to do. It was the most fucked up situation that he's ever been in, and yet, he couldn't stop purring over it?

_'She was literally trying to kill me a second ago! God, fucking help me!'_

Very quickly, his erection hit it's max. Seeing the look of satisfaction on her face did nothing but bring a shiver down Diego's spine. What was happening just didn't flow correctly for such a young saber. His mind was having a difficult time finding any sense of remorse in this. It just went to show that there truly was no more sanity left in this world.

"You gonna behave yourself?" She said almost threateningly, wiping away the saliva from his mouth that now ran down to his neck.

Diego's mouth was trembling as he tightened his jaws together and gritted his teeth, his throat and heart pumping at an insane rate. His nose became runny as he sniffled repeatably, all the while his wounds were almost enough to have him go into remedial shock.

"Mommy! I want my mommy!" He continued to bawl out with pain.

"For the last fucking time, your mommy isn't here!" She yelled, slapping him across the face, getting him to only cry more so.

"I HATE YOU!" His crying then became screams of agony. He wasn't able to control himself from that point onward. He just kept on pulling, squirming, anything that could free his foot from the boulder. All the while, he was keeping his eyes looking at her who was slowly backing away, as if she were afraid of him. Only the look of murder shot out of his eyes.

"Well, fine! If you're not gonna do it my way, I guess I have no choice but to leave you here."

The second she finished her sentence, Diego was pleading for her not to. Only, he actually didn't want her to do either.

"I just want my mommy! I just want my daddy!" He screamed over his lungs capacity. He tried once again to free himself, only to get no where in the process.

Giving up, he collapses into the ground, his head laying sideways. His only view was that of what happened that night walk away from him, leaving him alone for the rest of the rainy night.

The next morning, he woke up to the soothing feel of the sunrise that seeped into the trees and reflected down onto his golden pelt. It didn't take him any time at all to remember where he was and what happened last night. He almost wanted to pray that it was all a dream. It couldn't have been real. Why would any living thing do something like that? Because of that one incident, Diego felt so dehumanized. He was broken down and unable to rehabilitate himself.

It wasn't for hours later that he was finally able to take matters into his own hands. He began digging his claws underneath the boulder in hopes that it would loosen the crushing grip of the boulder. Hours went by as he was soon starting to loose hope.

_ 'Who was she? Why did she do this? Why would she just leave me here to die? God, what the fuck did I do?'_

A part of him was considering the idea of clawing his own foot off. He probably would've done it too, if the boulder hadn't loosen itself at that moment as he gave one last tug and popped right out of his secluded prison.

For the next half an hour, he limped through the early morning forest, not being able to stand the unbearable pain. He tried his best to ignore it and focus on where he was going. He was glad that his cuts and bite marks were beginning to heal themselves as he slept that night. It was also there that he was thankful for having decent tracking skills. Without them, he may have never been able to fins his way home.

Once he was at the entrance of the cave, he stopped. He still wasn't sure what to do at this point. Should he tell his parents? How would they react to it? Another problem is that he never knew his abusers name. It'll be as if he were making the whole thing up. But that was the last thing that he wanted to hear from them. Aside from that, he was just too embarrassed to really talk about it. He was only about seven years old. (No, I don't know tiger years. Live with it.)

Diego felt like turning around and leaving, but the previous night's event made him shudder in fear as he realized that his own cave was the only safe place now.

Hurrying inside, the young cub made his way over to his spot in the cave.

"And then found my way home." Diego finished his story, lowering his head and waiting for his father's response.

"Diego, look." His father started, "I know how you've been having a hard time getting along with the other sabers..."

_'You don't believe me?!'_

"But, that's really no reason to make up something that didn't happen just to get back at them. Especially that."

Diego's heart had just shattered at that point. What justice is there in this world anymore?

"I'm not making it up, daddy. I'm not." He hid his tears from him, not wanting him to see them.

_**You raped! I feel dirty! It hurt! I'm not a liar! My God, I saw you watching! Mommy, why?! Your own child! I scream and no one hears me! It hurt! I'm not a liar! Tied down! That's a good boy! And you fuck your own child! Mommy, why?!**_

For the rest of the day, Diego laid by his corner of the cave and cried. There truly wasn't anything else he could do.

_ 'I hate you! I fucking hate you! Fuck you! You fucking ruined my life!'_

A/N:  
><span>**I'm not really sure how much I can take with this story. This would have been published a bit earlier if I hadn't broke down while writing this. Something with the feelings in this chapter just hit me in an odd way and I couldn't even write anything for a week or so.**

**Welp, another story on it's way. I hope it wasn't too fucked up for anyone. There is a difference between a fucked up story and a story that has no reason to exist. XD**

**I also don't really expect too many reviews because of the rating. Since it's the only rating that isn't part of the default filters, you know?**

**Anyways, if you did happen to run into this, a review would be much appreciated.**

**{In recognition, this story was published on the release date of Slipknot's new album- .5: The Gray Chapter}**


	2. Heartache and a Pair of Scissors

Disclaimer:

I do not own Ice Age or the characters Diego and Shira.

A/N:

**Almost a month and a half since I last updated this. Hard to believe that back when I wrote StarFire, I updated nearly every day. Honest to god, though, it has nothing to do with motivation or loss of interest. I'm just trying to balance out streaming and writing.**

**Chapter 2: Heartache and a Pair of Scissors**

_I play doctor for five minutes flat_

_Before I cut my heart open and let the air out_

_Three bugs, a pound of dust, some wind spilled over me_

_In the strangest manner that had broke away my tear spout_

_This feeling is like a pulse. Your insides are their only fucking retreat. Your fist is like a magnet for the troubles you hate. And the whole time you wonder: How the fuck did I get here?_

He didn't feel like himself that very next night. Something within him made him feel like he had just been born. As if the little amount of things he understood then were just suddenly decimated. He now understood less than before. Everything felt so backwards for him. It was almost like he would eventually be unborn.

_Your whole life is like a razor to your lips. Like a knife through your fucking veins. It's like a broken bottle held to your temple. Like a gun to your fucking head. You wake up. Your insides twist. Your stomach hurts. Your eyes bulge. You can't move. You're caught in it. You live in it. You can live through it. The only way through is through the pain._

_**The only way through is through the pain.**_

He felt like there were two sides to him at that moment. One side of him wasn't exactly sure why he was feeling this way. The other side didn't seem to realize it at all. It was almost like he had two minds fighting against each other.

_Like a bite. Like a scream you fucking hold down. Your eyes show the need that you don't fucking feel inside and that you would never show to another fucking being. Your scales are tipping. Your mind is flipping. You can't fucking break, you can't fucking see. The only way out is through the pain._

He was well aware of how different his life has been compared to everyone else. Or maybe, no one else realized the lies that they've been living in and submitting to. Why didn't anyone else see the darker sides of this world? Why wasn't anyone else dwelling within the same pain? He wanted answers. He wanted there to be sense. He wanted something. He needed something.

**You want it. You need it.**

_Every day and every night, you sit with your head on fire and your insides pulled out. And you wonder: What the fuck did I do to deserve this?! What do I fucking do to live through this?! How the fuck did I get this?! Why am I fucking blessed with this?! How much fucking pain do I need?! How the hell do I get out?!_

What happened ten years ago. That night when he was molested physically, sexually and mentally. His throat began to dry out just thinking about it as his eighteen year old self. The visions of it in his dreams only seemed to arise more horrific as his years progressed. His life sat at the edge of confrontation. To finally just eliminate all the problems that he'd seen.

_**The only way out is through the pain.**_

_**Your only way out is through the pain.**_

But those ten added years since never prepared him for the trials he was to uphold. His own blood, his own flesh, his own mentality, they would soon slip out of his own reach. His thoughts first looked towards these philosophies as he entered the cave for the night, taking in the smell of decay.

His vision wouldn't allow him to see past the empty darkness. Normally, there'd be a fire set up each and every night since he was born. Not tonight, however, and it was only for a few seconds more before he started piecing the puzzle together.

He began to walk slowly into the cave, not wanting to get an answer to this unbearable smell, yet knowing that there was no point to not finding out. He would've eventually.

The sound of infestation buzzing and squeaking drew a shiver down his spine. Yet, he hardly felt any consideration in him. The past ten years have been dull, ordinary and colorless with nothing to say about them. Nothing happened. Nothing changed. Nothing's right. No one cared. His life became like a dead corpse on a spit, spinning for the remainder of eternity, just wanting it to stop. Everything felt too late for him. No matter what path he tries to create for himself, it'll get him nowhere because someone else has sure as hell already done it. Everything's been claimed. Everything's been done. He had to accept the fact that he didn't stand a chance in this world.

'_Everyone else gets to live the way they want to, so why can't I?'_

His thoughts only lasted for that one sentence before he felt himself trip over something.

Or someone.

He topples over, feeling dazed from not only the fall, but for the life that he's been given. He wipes the dirt that got on to his mouth and face as he stood back up, looking behind him to see what it was that he tripped over.

He knew that he had felt the familiar touch of fur as he stumbled over. He only caught a glimpse of them as the lightning outside flashed the cave open for that quarter of a second.

His heart nearly ignored a beat. Not from the lightning, but from what the thunder revealed. Before, he could see his parents both lying next to each other. He only assumed that they were just sleeping. Nothing too out of the ordinary. Yet, he still didn't understand why the place smelt so bad.

Then the lightning hit, and it all made sense. That glimpse that he was privileged to see. His mind wanted to hide the image. It didn't want to remember. Yet, the saying goes, what has been seen cannot be unseen. No matter how hard he tried, he choked to believe it.

His heart began to ache as he took in the smell that just then made all too much sense. Yet, how this all happened. That didn't make sense and might not ever. His whole body trembled with feelings and emotions that not even that incident ten years ago made him feel. That was when he was still blind, still resisting to accept the world he lived in. He was then just a cub. Now, his viewpoints and philosophies have changed over the past ten years of intercourse. He saw things differently than he did ten years ago. But everyone did. That's how everyone is. But the fact that this kind of shit only happens to him made him turn his questioning and reasoning in a different direction. A more gutted up and rusty direction.

Each lightning flash only added to the unforgettable image that became more and more easy to picture. They lay down on their backsides with their chests towards the ceiling of the cave. Their chests were both gutted open, showing the snapped ribcages, each end with slivers of flesh still intact with. The blood had dried up throughout the cave, becoming crusty in some areas and sticky in others.

Diego's vision was becoming blurry. His head began to tip from side to side. He was losing his balance. His heart did nothing but speed up the more he thought about it. His eyes were near the point where all of the sadness was leaked out. His throat began to dry up. His nose started to feel clogged. His limbs shook. His teeth chattered. His mouth trembled. And here he was trying to convince himself, like everything, it was all in his head.

'_It's all in your head.'_

'_It's all in my head'_

'_It's all in your head'_

So suddenly, he felt the sickness build up inside him. It was only seconds later before he felt light headed with a high pitched sound coming through his ears. He only fought it back three times before he gave in and let the disgust flow out of his mouth. He kept his head lowered, preventing himself from passing out.

He had enough of what was seen before him. He had enough of what he had been living with every day. What he's had to live through. Nothing ever appealed to him. No one ever felt like him. He was just too busy being calm to disappear from this world. He was in no shape to be alone anymore, though contrary to the shit that people kept telling him.

'_This world is not for the living. This world is for the dead.'_

The strange part, though, was that he only felt a sense of loss and hopelessness when he first drew witness to the catastrophe before him. Though the feelings got to him, he never cried. He tore up on the inside, but he never cried. He had tears flow down him, but he never cried. He never did develop a healthy relation with his parents. At least not what one would call a healthy relation. Of course, he knew that he was born for the soul purpose of reproducing.

'_And it's pathetic.'_

Yet, that still didn't give away the idea that he wanted to be with someone. He's wanted that for a long time now. Granted, he wasn't like every other saber that would be willing to fuck everything they came across. Even though what happened ten years ago may have scarred him for life and may never make him yearn for a day that he would want to be with someone, it didn't. He didn't want to grieve for himself, because he knew that he had to be ready for the unexpected.

What he did know was that he needed to get away from all of this. If it meant to wonder as far away from this place and die from hunger, then so be it. He wasn't sure how this all happened. Why his parents were split open like they were. Why it happened. How it happened. But maybe it was better left that way. It was times like this that he was glad that he never became too attached to his parent. To him, maybe it's all for the better, as fucked up as that might sound. It was just his heartache and their pair of scissors.

A/N:

**One of the shortest chapters I've ever written. Oh well, at least it's not rambling on too much this time… I hope. Any ways, have a good one **


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